Dear LeBron,
Before you return to Cleveland tonight to play your former team in the house you literally ruled for seven years, I have a few pieces of advice. This is not the advice of a scorned lover, this is straight-up solid advice from a marketing professional in regards to your now sullied image.
Let's face facts. Things have not gone as expected. I don't think anything anyone told you could have prepared you for the animosity you are facing in arenas across the league. You are the villain of your own story. Exacerbating that is your team's slow start to the year. With expectations so high, with everyone asking whether or not you could challenge the 72-win Bulls, the lackluster start to this season's campaign already has your coach "embattled" and pundits writing about the fall of LeBron.
Understand that this is a monster of your own making. The fact that you left Cleveland isn't nearly as much of a problem as the manner in which you left. You turned Cleveland into a victim--a victim everyone empathizes with. Everyone outside of Miami is rooting harder for Cleveland tonight than possibly they've ever rooted before. It's not because they like Cleveland. It's because they hate you.
Here is your recipe to fix all that.
Do not ask your buddies for advice on this. Certainly don't ask for permission. If you want to ask your Nike rep, go ahead, I'm sure he'll be fully onboard. They have a lot invested in you, and right now your celebrity equity is falling faster than real estate prices in 2008. They're banking on a market turnaround. So surprise everyone with this rail turn.
Schedule a press conference several hours before the game and say the following:
1. Apologize to Cleveland. Not to your "fans everywhere", just to Cleveland. Apologize for stringing them along and then dumping them in the worst way possible. They took it personally, LeBron. Accept this and offer them the apology they deserve.
2. Apologize to your fans around the league for the narcissistic manner with which you approached free agency. Tell them you listened to some bad advice and you really should have conducted yourself differently. Don't say what you would do differently if you could do it again. Just apologize.
3. Tell Clevelanders how much you love them. Tell them how much you loved the great times you had here. Tell them that you still make your home here, and you plan to for the rest of your life. Remind them of that game against Detroit in the Eastern Conference finals in 2007, and how that was possibly your favorite moment on any court. Don't try to justify your performance in the 2010 playoffs with some lame excuse. Don't mention it at all.
4. Tell Cleveland that the decision to leave for Miami didn't come down to money, or a better chance at a title (we all realize that Cleveland had the best record in the entire NBA for two years running); tell them it simply came down to a desire to play with your buddies. Under no circumstance should you address the theory that you all planned to do this at the last Olympic games. Don't even bring that up.
5. Tell Cleveland how difficult that decision was, and how you agonized over it. Tell them this was the most difficult decision you ever made, and that you're very sorry it hurt them. Don't say you're "sorry IF it hurt them". It did.
6. Make an announcement that you're opening some kind of nonprofit foundation in Cleveland that will benefit underprivileged children, and donate a million dollars to the cause. A million dollars isn't really that much for you, but it still sounds like a lot in Cleveland.
7. Finally, finish by telling Cleveland fans that you miss them, and by all means, leave the door open for a future romance. Slap on that boysih grin and remind them that your current contract is really only for three years, and you're only twenty-five. Don't worry, Clevelanders will put the pieces together, and every sports writer from here to China will suddenly be writing about the next "summer of LeBron".
Don't take any questions. Shake a few hands and act genuine--just like you did for all those years in a Cavs uniform.
After this, take the floor with confidence, and realize that if Cleveland does something nasty to you or your family, suddenly, you'll look like the victim, and Cleveland will look like an angry ex that didn't deserve you in the first place. The rest of the world will quickly come back to your side and Cleveland can return to being an afterthought in the sports world.
Follow this advice and you cannot go wrong.
I'm not one of your sycophantic handlers, so you won't take this advice, and part of me is actually glad. Because if you did, people might stop booing you relentlessly. So stick to what you're doing. You're brand is fine. People will come around. And if they don't--blame your coach, or your teammates, or your current NBA city, because it can't be your fault, you're the "Chosen 1".
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